I am at the wonderful Penny Brohn Cancer Care Centre in Bristol.  I arrived here on Sunday evening, but it feels like I have been here for a very long time.  And I am not saying it because the time has been dragging on, no the opposite.  I have had the most wonderful two and half days already, which have already made me feel more connected with myself.

Yesterday, we got to know each other in the group, a little bit of our illnesses and journeys so far.  Like the last time I was here, I heard so many moving stories, and admire everyone’s courage and positive attitudes and sunny spirits.  In the afternoon I had healing during which I felt like my body was washed inside out with clear water.  I felt like all the London grime was washed away!

In the evening we had a talk about Healthy Eating.  I particularly wanted to know a bit more about fats and oils, for instance what oils are good to use in frying, what are good alternatives to butter if I wanted to have a spread for toast.  For frying the most stable fats are butter, coconut and avocado oils.  Olive oil (extra virgin) is OK for frying if used in low temperatures.  Goose fat was recommended for roast potatoes.  For salad dressing, the best oils for their Omega 3 and 6 qualities were linseed, sunflower and sesame oils.  Organic butter was the choice as for spread for toast, however if lactose intolerance was a major problem, organic olive based spreads were suggested.

I also learned that too much protein could cause more acidity in the body, which is an environment where cancer flourishes.  Meat particularly can increase the acidity.  Hence, red meat should be avoided or had very rarely.  Fruit and vegetables are good to alkalise the body.  Protein is still important, and I should eat more nuts, seeds and pulses, especially as I consume hardly any animal products.  We were given some useful tips what kind of easy dishes to cook with pulses.

Later we were treated with a performance from an excellent harpist who not only played us beautiful songs from different parts of the world but also educated us about the history of the instrument.  The music was so beautiful.

Even though I feel relaxed here, I have struggled with sleep because of the LTS line.  I keep waking up from pain when I move.  I think the line is pulling at the site where the stitches are.  Instead of having to take paracetamol throughout the day, I was given an ENM pain relief device, which is a bit like a TENS machine.  I was surprised how effective this device is; I have only needed painkillers once a day, and can feel pain reducing when this fantastic gadget is on.

I woke up this morning feeling extremely grateful that I had managed to get here just before the stem cell transplant, as I am already starting to feel all the positive effects of this retreat.  Today has also been a bit of an anniversary.  It was exactly a year ago when I last worked as a physiotherapist, and when I first ended up in hospital to eventually be diagnosed with this cancer.

Here I am, a year later.  I have to say, I could not be at any better place, in a personal level.  It has been a journey, extremely hard at times, but very rewarding and educational.  I have learned so much about myself, and what is important to me.  The journey is still going, but I have gone so far already.

It has been a full on day, but a very good one.  I had Arts Therapy in the morning that I truly enjoyed.  I was in a very small group of two, it was raining outside and the room was lovely and quiet, perfect setting for painting I thought.  I did two pieces.  One of Finnish midsummer which was kind of at our summer place in Finland.  It had all these elements that I miss, forest; the cottage; birch trees; ‘vihta’ (a fragrance utensil for sauna, made out of bendy birch tree branches); sauna; Jopo, the bike in our summer place; the lake; wild blue and lingonberries; and ‘juhannuskokko’, a midsummer bonfire by the lake.  And of course there was the sunset.  The sun does not quite set down at all at midsummer, and the colours can be spectacular, and the sky is simply beautiful.  I lost myself drawing this, and I was at the summer place for that time.  It helped me to rationalise my home sickness there, as by drawing the place it became a bit more real and not so much this ‘grass is greener at the other side’, this over divine place that is out of my reach.  I might take the picture with me to Sutton when I get admitted.

I also drew an abstract picture just using different colours.  The image was reflective of what I have been thinking a lot lately after reading The Journey by Brandon Bays who was diagnosed with a football size tumour in 1992.  The Journey book talks about that we all may have these trapped painful issues or memories that we may have been struggling with, unknowingly leading to unwanted emotional patterns.  The painful memory is stored in the cell, and passed onto the next cell when the cell regenerates; the cells are there to protect us from this painful memory.  She felt that her cancer was not going to go away, unless she went on a healing journey and dealt with the issue underlying the cancer, what ever it was.  Brandon cured the large, football size tumour in about six weeks by following her step-by-step healing journey process whereby the person goes through different layers of emotions until hitting the core issue that has been stored in the cells, and then resolving the issue with forgiveness finally ‘finishing the story’.

Earlier in the morning when I went to make myself a cup of (green) tea, I briefly saw our psychotherapist.  I asked if she had heard of the Journey and what she thought about it.  She had heard of people who had done it and had found it very useful.  I suppose, I wanted to know someone who at least knew someone who had done the Journey.

The Journey book had certainly ‘spoken’ to me, and I have been very keen to look into it further.  The way I got the book was a kind of a sign, I thought.   Suzie went on a yoga retreat in Egypt at the beginning of May, and met this lovely woman, Stephanie.  Stephanie told Suzie about this book, and Suzie mentioned me.  Stephanie then said, is it this Piia, ‘a blonde, stunning looking girl’?  (Very kind of her calling me ‘stunning’!) I suppose there are not that many Piias in London… It appeared that we had met at this warehouse party few years ago.  She asked Suzie to give this book to me.  So the book came to me all the way from Egypt!

The afternoon was filled with individual appointments with a psychotherapist, a doctor, and a nutritionist.  I felt so privileged to spend nearly an hour with all these highly skilled professionals having their undivided attention, and valuable advice.

I am much better ‘equipped’ to go to my transplant now.  I am basically going to see it as a retreat.  I am going to surround me with beautiful things.  I am going to get myself some nice new nightclothes, lovely shower gels and body creams etc.  And of course, I am going to bring all the programmes/series to watch, loads of them!  I am also going to use the time to meditate and try and learn more about myself.

I think, one of the key things for me to be able to sane in one tiny room for three weeks is the ability to ‘live in the moment’.  If I can do that, I will be fine.  I am also thinking, as this hospital ‘gig’ is going to be my ‘retreat’, I believe it is important I keep visitors to the minimum.  I would not want my friends visiting me here at the Penny Brohn as this is my retreat and I want as little outside distractions as possible whilst here.   Also, sometimes having visitors at hospitals can be quite invasive to a person’s privacy.  Imagine feeling really rough, you are in your pyjamas, you have not had a wash, and all of a sudden, loads of your friends turn up by your bedside!

At the end of the day, we all shared what we had thought of the day and how it had went.  One of the ladies, Tina mentioned about the Journey when she talked about her art therapy session.  Our psychotherapist looked at me what I thought was meaningful way.  Afterwards four of us went on a walk in the countryside near the centre.  Tina who had mentioned the Journey during her arts session told me that she had done the Journey only last Wednesday!  My wish to meet someone who had done it had come true far quicker than I thought!  She said the process was just like in the book, and that she has felt great ever since, and that she would recommend going through it.  I think I have wanted to hear from someone I know that it works before committing to it.  I really want to do it now, and I suppose now I need to find a practitioner who could do it with me…

The view from my room at the Penny Brohn. They had put net curtains to block the view. I took it off immediately!

Penny Brohn Cancer Care Centre. Such a gorgeous place!

The Gazebo at the Penny Brohn.

The view from the Gazebo.

A lovely swing which was in the gardens at the Penny Brohn centre.

I took this pic when I went for a little walk in the countryside outside the Penny Brohn centre. (This one's for you, Tina!)